Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy