he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
