I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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