You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
