3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
