So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
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I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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