Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
