I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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