please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
