If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm gonna fight the coyote
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
