i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
