don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
