I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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