I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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