I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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