I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
