So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
