I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Randomize
