Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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