so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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