the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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