Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
