Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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