saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
