Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
