He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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