After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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