Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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