The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
