Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
