I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
