Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I have grass duct taped all over my body
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
