I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
this beer tastes like vomit already
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
