Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
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I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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