life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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