i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
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he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
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I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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