Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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