drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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