If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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