he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
