i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
