So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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