And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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