when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
