my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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