I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
