This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
