The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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