can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
