Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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