There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
