I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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