Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
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Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
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Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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