and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
