i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
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Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
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Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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