I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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