How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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